In comparison to the person I was this time last year the first thing I should probably say is thank God for growth and resilience. 

For what it’s worth 2016 brought many proud moments. I graduated university, I worked on Tomorrowland 2016 (the biggest dance festival in the world) with the most magical group of people, I project managed the first Production Futures and TPi Breakthrough Talent Awards, curated a dope line up for Wanderlust Paris (London Takeover of course) and I project managed the UK entry to the first ever London Design Biennale and that’s all really to name a few.

For all the highs came double the deflation which seemed to be a recurring feeling this year. I learnt that when you realise a place no longer serves you well you must bow out gracefully knowing you gave it your best shot. Especially when you were at your lowest. I made the decision to leave something that no longer served me well and while I know it was the right thing to do it was easily one of the hardest.

I was reminded I have such a tribe of well wishers and it’s honestly one of the most heartwarming feelings. To know that there are people out there wholeheartedly rooting for you, encouraging you and coaching you into the best version of yourself. Priceless. Don’t forget to honour those people.

If there’s one thing 2016 made me understand it’s that I’m responsible for what I say but not what people understand. My hope for 2017 is that I will not allow the fear of offending people put me in situations I have no business being in. 

In 2016 it rang true that people who come to try and embarrass you out of spite and ego will only embarrass themselves. The magic and energy you perpetuate can bring joy and calm just as much as it can offend/intimidate. The latter is not my fight and I had to make peace with that.

Being intentional when you ask someone how they are doing is just as important as being honest in your response when you are asked. The latter is hard, but no burden is yours to carry alone. I truly stood on the shoulders of giants this year through some of the most testing times and couldn’t be more grateful that they were intentional with their concern for my wellbeing.

Now I find myself in a new chapter of life (everything from locality to job) that makes me just as excited as it does nervous with absolutely no game plan but to do the best I can, learn as much as I can and continuously fight in happiness’ corner.

While I’m terrified for 2017 I’m ready (I think) to put this year to bed. See you on the flip side x 

22 you were hard on me. One of the hardest. You were a year of transition, solitude, liberation, great sadness, freedom, loneliness, affirmation, independence, defeat, confusion and yet great strength.

Lessons of recent have been more so about what not to do. I’ve been living quite deeply in a season I’ve dubbed ‘Sponge Season” - a season where I absorb as much information as I can. Be it via reading books, articles or by observing people in different situations. I’ve learnt more about the type of person I want to be and the type of leader (though in what context I’m not sure) I want to be.

In the last 12 months I’ve been versions of myself I’d never met before. Versions that were a new kind of free, independent and strong. A version that wanted to live life a little light and a little fleeting. While that brought joy for a short time ultimately, I know now that my heart can’t sustain something that is just for a short time. I’m learning that I’m growing up to be more of an all or nothing type of woman.

I think I fully understood the strength of my vibrations this year. How it influences people, how comfortable it makes them, how open it made them feel. I started to understand how my vibrations shift the atmosphere (at work, amongst friends, etc.). I’m trying to learn how to control it though currently I don’t know if it’s something I should try to control.  

What are my wishes for the year ahead? That I’ll be able to move. I’ve been stagnant for too long. That I’ll trust my instincts more. That I’ll live in that freedom and carefree spirit I discovered. That I’ll continue to train my voice box and speak. That I’ll continue to do the best I can but won’t beat myself up if I need a day (or 3) of time out.

Things that I’m thankful for? Friends with an abundance of patience & therapy. Without both I’m quite sure I would have lost my mind.

So at 1hr and 28mins into being 23, sat in bed in my apartment in Leeds waiting for 2 of my favourite people to get here to spend the weekend with me, right now, I think I’m feeling pretty alright.

My fear of time is a fight between both discipline and pride. Perhaps it’s weird that they are interlinked this way but stay with me.

Discipline - I have none these days and this is not the time to be lacking in discipline. What I’ve learnt since October is that exhaustion is very real, but so are responsibilities that I have committed to. I committed to finishing my degree, I’ve committed to working a mentally demanding job at the same time & I cannot afford to fail at either. But my lack of discipline tells me I will if I don’t get it together & fast.

Pride - to be too prideful I’m learning can put a strain on your ability to be productive. In the recent CMKM newsletter I talked about being busy and that sometimes putting something down for a season is necessary in order to pick other (more pressing) things up. My pride will force me to continue dedicating precious time to CMKM in order to stay “relevant” and to keep up with the times/keep up appearances. But this isn’t time well spent for me. I’ve spent the last 2.5yrs working towards this moment - completing my degree. As much as building a business is important to me, being so close to the finish line has made me realise that my degree really does come first.

In this case - I’m making a decision to put CMKM down until I hand in my dissertation in May. Why? Because as much as I’d like to think I am superwoman, I am not. work & uni are enough things to be dealing with at this point. While others are perhaps able to do a million and one things and give them all 100% (lol?) I can admit I am not. What’s more important right now? Finishing uni on as good a note as I can knowing I gave it 100% and keeping my job and developing where I am.

I can hear the clock ticking loud and clear in my head. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to really focus on your shit. This journey really is a trip and there are multiple things that’ll make you feel like it’s not for you. 

May lack of discipline and abundance of pride not be the reasons for your shortcoming. Be big enough to catch them before they catch you and make the effort to change. We (I) worry about time so much and push ourselves beyond our limits where life becomes this juggling act. While I am all for pushing ourselves, I’m more for taking time, going as far as calling a time out to prioritise. This doesn’t mean you are lazy or don’t take your efforts to succeed in business seriously - it means you have bigger priorities. Don’t let anything or anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you make to call a halt on things to make mental, physical, and emotional head space for something else. Such a decision in itself shows maturity and understanding of the bigger picture. When you are ready, you pick back up where you left off and get right back to it. 

#NoteToSelf

I’ve spent this entire year running from you. I’ve spent the entire year hiding behind excuses of too much work and not enough time to give you any of my attention.

I’ve spent this entire year going through the motions with no strategic purpose. I’ve spent most part of this year living recklessly disregarding the value of my power.

I’ve spent much of the year blaming everything and everyone else but myself for my shortcomings. I spent much of the year neglecting my deep need of you. I spent much of my year being heavy hearted and resentful.

Yet you have not once stopped running after me. Not once have you gotten tired and left me to run by myself. Not once have you left me to fend for myself.

You spent the entire year showing me that you’re rooting for me by way of opening doors for DOPE (GQ - my biggest achievement of 2015 without a doubt), my job (didn’t get it at first and within 2 days was offered it again), Ibiza Rocks 2015 (being given 5 weeks off from my new job to go and work with a fantastic bunch of people in lovely Ibiza), graduating from my FdA and progressing to my top-up as well as countless projects I’ve managed through work (Knife Party, Will Young, One Direction, Take That, Krept & Konan to name a few). You spent the year sending things to challenge and allow me to grow which for a long time I thought were here to break me down and strip me of my peace of mind. It did for a bit to be honest. It still is.

Yet still I ran. Still I avoided you, your word, & your presence. Still I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words help. And then I was lost with not much fight in me, completely over this season and ready for the transition into the next one.

So now I’m tired. I’m low on oxygen, my lungs feel like they are about to collapse and my legs have given way. On bended knees I say that I am tired and can no longer run from you.

I will fail at something, a lot of things, this year I proved I’m good at that but you will meet me where I am, as always, the great ruin that is (or was) my life and you will give me what I need to piece it back together. Like a phoenix I shall rise out of the ashes once more.

For the lessons you taught me I’m grateful, truly I am but 2015 I’ve never been happier to see a year go by.

2016 I’m half the person I was at the start of 2015 and for that you’ll have to forgive me but I’m ready to get back to the best version of me. So here’s to much hope, much peace, much love and laughter. Here’s to me embracing this journey with all the ups and downs of it and becoming the woman I was born to be.

I feel like I’m always in a season of change. Whenever I come to write anything on here there’s always a pending life curve ball waiting for me around the corner.

This current season is a mash up of many different things, both good and bad. I’ve awoken a side of me that I almost forgot ever existed but I did it in the worst way and at the wrong time. I’m now having to find ways of putting myself neatly back to where I once was but everytime I try the pieces seem to fall out of my hands. 

My head says I should stop, forgive myself for opening this can of worms and move on. However, everything else says to pursue this path, for there is a story here and maybe at some point in my life I’ll be able to tell it. Tell it from a point of no regrets, self-assurance & wholeness.

I’m learning that with playing it safe you never quite learn who you are, what you want, or what you are capable of. These days I seem to be living life a bit recklessly and I want to be angry at myself but I’m far too busy having fun and trying to discover who I am in this season. 

Seasons come and go and this one is definitely the most bizarre but thrilling one I’m yet to experience in all my years.

This will all make sense eventually but for now, just know my curiosity has been sparked.

Today you turn 50 and I felt it in my spirit to write a little something for you - not necessarily for you to see it but for me to get it off my chest.

Over the last week I feel like I’ve rediscovered who you are all over again. We spent 4 days in Spain galavanting around, making new friends, new memories, and new inside jokes and it all felt new yet familiar.

I was reminded of the fire starter you were when you were just 2 years older than me. The ways in which you intimidated people with your strength, the ways in which because of your confidence people tried in many different ways to drag you down to their level but on every occasion you came out on top.

You shared stories of my great grandmother who though she had never gone to school, nor had she been taught how to read or write she taught all her children as well as her grandchildren how to do just that. You told me about how she would have dreams that showed her what plants were used as a healing agent. Where with some all that may seem weird to me it helped me understand that I come from a family of magical women.

You may have drawn the short stick with me, I know I’ve caused you much pain and stress with my stupid decisions in the past - I think it’s safe to say I get my stubbornness from you. But I’m trying to do better. You make me want to do better.

Last night you reminded me of a promise I (foolishly) made to myself when I was very young - that I would be a millionaire by the time I was 30. You told me that you know my ambition, hard work and determination will take me far. You told me that though we may not have a lot in monetary value we are rich in love. 

So today I say thank you. 22 years ago I chose you to be my mummy and I couldn’t have made a better choice. For always choosing me. For making me laugh. For being my cheerleader and provider. For the endless prayers without which I most definitely wouldn’t be where I am today - thank you.

Amaro ngi mamaa na<3

What have I learnt so far? That really, I know nothing at all but I’m damn sure going to try.

I know that the battle between wanting to disappear and wanting/needing to be ever present is one I won’t win.

I know that no battle is won in a day. I know that things don’t just happen because I want them to but that I have to get my hands dirty.

I know that I can’t do this alone - both spiritually and physically, I am not skilled nor brave enough to. Furthermore, I don’t believe I was meant to do this alone.

I know that my whole existence is to serve others. Nothing I do is supposed to be for me alone. Everything is bigger than me.

I know that I’ll always be scared - I think God knows it too, but I’ll always be brave. I think there’s a difference.

I know that I need to train my voice box - even if all it can muster is a whisper, I mustn’t be afraid to be heard.

I know I mustn’t be afraid of myself.

Today I found myself in a park laying back and seeing the world for what it truly is - beautiful. I paid attention to the clouds and how they moved, how some stayed in their groups and how others strayed like the lone ranger. I observed how it looked like the sun and the clouds crashed into each other without fault. I started to notice the effects spring was having on people, on myself. How it seemed to encourage new enthusiasm and new perspective. 

I took the time to actually take the time to simply be and in that moment, everything was perfect.

Made me wonder, when did I become the person who seemed to just let beautiful moments pass me by? When did I become so consumed with work, uni, and the mumbo jumbo of the world that I forgot to actually appreciate right now? 

So much time is spent telling other people to appreciate the now but in the process I forgot to do it my damn self.

Today’s lesson? Vitamin D is good for the soul. Don’t deprive yourself of what you need, you constantly need to be replenished and renewed by the earth and its beautiful sun rays. Don’t you know that all living things need sunlight? The work can wait, the state of your mind, body and spirit is far more important.

“An optimist is the human personification of spring.”
                    -  Susan J. Bissonette

Hello Spring.

I know we’ve only just met but I just want to say I’m glad to meet you.

I spent 4 weeks with your mate March and she was hell bent on challenging me in many areas of my life but her heart was in the right place and well, I’m alive and kicking so she must have been doing something right.

I’ll be honest with you though, I’m a bit apprehensive about the weeks ahead of us that we’ll spend together. As you probably know I have a lot of different decisions to make - there are things I know I should do but don’t want to (stubborn is an understatement), things I wish I was able to do and things that aren’t in my control that are just lingering in the air. Truthfully, I don’t know how brave I feel about making these decisions or how much I trust my judgement. I’m trying not to forget that March taught me to forgive myself for the decisions I make, she told me that God allows for detours and should the decisions I make take me off my path He’ll etch in a side road that’ll get me back on track.

But listen April, I need you to be in this with me for the long haul. You can’t flake out on me. I can’t promise you it’ll be easy, I can’t promise you I’ll be easy but I can promise you that I’ll stay dedicated to getting through the next few weeks in one piece and a little wiser if you’re ready to be my travelling companion.

I’ll follow your lead.

Sometimes people require way too much from/of you.

The constant pull to be who they want you to be to them is tiring.

Over the last few days I’ve found myself quite drained, trotting along but just about getting by and in the confines of the four walls I currently call home (along with 2 other people) what I wanted more than anything was peace. A couple of days of stillness and realignment after what have been a stressful 2 weeks.

I was met with “you’re not saying anything, talk to us” and “why are you so quiet?” when all I wanted to do was just that - be quiet and say nothing.

People seem to always want you to do as they wish - my emotions, mental stability and attitudes are not here to be commanded by you. Stop trying to control them and turn them into negatives when they don’t suit you.

I’m sorry if my silence makes you uncomfortable but please note that my silence is in no shape or form a negative thing. I will not be guilt tripped into thinking your comfort levels come above mine. 

Selfish, I know. But it gets like that sometimes.