Sometimes talking changes everything. Sometimes the very thing that was supposed to bring you freedom only makes you feel more captive.
Perhaps there was more peace in the unsaid.
I feel like I’m having an early life crisis that I truly need to snap out of.
I feel like time is really running away from me which it is in a sense but not at the pace in which I’ve imagined it.
Every new idea creates a new timeline in my mind that adds to the timeline for every thing else and I find myself thinking “shit, maybe this isn’t possible!”
My mum puts it down to the pressure of being the youngest in almost all my friendship groups which I agree is a major factor. Not to get it twisted with being jealous or anything. More so to do with feeling the pressure to catch up.
The 2nd factor is pressure I put on myself. In all honesty I’ve been dreading my 21st for the longest time. Maybe because I feel like I’ve been living the life of an unmarried, no child having 26 year old woman way before I had even turned 20. Maybe because I feel like I have no excuse once I turn 21. I can’t claim that I’m a child anymore. Can’t claim a sense of innocence and I have no excuse not to get it right.
That of course is a lie. I have as much time as the Lord will allow and quite frankly your 20s are there for you to learn from your mistakes. But these mistakes include failure, something I try to avoid by all means necessary when maybe I should be running towards it. I’m just being stupid. I know this. I don’t want it to seem like I’m not happy neither because I am. More stressed than I’ve been in a long time but it’s for a season and one I knew I was walking into so I can only hope that God gives me the strength to overcome it.
What I’m trying to say is that growing up is hard. It’s one thing acting like a grown up (from time I was studying, working & raving at the age of 14 believe I know a thing or 2 about acting like a grown up) actually being a grown up is a whole different ball game. Something I’m not quite sure I’m ready to be yet and perhaps that’s the beauty of being in your early twenties. I just haven’t learnt that yet either.
With my birthday being about 15mins away I’m thankful for this moment.
I’m currently sat at a gate in Gatwick waiting to board a plane to Barcelona for a few days and I couldn’t be happier.
There are a million and one things I should be worried about and for the next 3 days I’m going to act like none of them exist.
This getaway couldn’t have come at a better time - with my summer of madness officially starting next week I needed something that’ll allow me to just be.
The last few weeks I’ve been forced to question a few things in quite a few different ways and sometimes it’s necessary to take yourself out of the equation to see the bigger picture.
I guess you can say I’m trying to mentally prepare for the change that is ahead. I lalmost feel like I’m going into battle and you can’t win a battle without a game plan so I’ll just call this the planning stage. I have to remember it’s bigger than me and that my own strength will not do.
So here’s to a few days of bliss with good people.
I find myself giving my absolute all to this mixture of chaos in a bid to straighten things out but my efforts are never met with the same enthusiasm.
There’s very little of me to go around yet I stay being patient emptying my time to things that in the long run get over looked. Am I looking for glory? No. Am I looking for a shared experience, responsibility and communication? Most definitely.
At first I didn’t think much of it, there was a lot going on and a lot to be done. But now, I take it personally. It seems like every correspondence is doused in shade. It was a situation where an insult sounded oh so sweet.
There is nothing in a name and much like people who have passed I understand why there has been a disassociation and it’s a damn shame. Ed Sheeran got it right when he said ‘you need me man I don’t need you’ and it’s because of this I have no qualms saying deuces.
Everybody has a breaking point and eventually something has got to give. It’s not always possible to relive a specific moment in time when you were on top and that’s okay. Let people remember you for the good thing you were instead of the shambles you’ve become.
But anyway, what do I know? I’m just the irrelevant factor in this equation, right?
People - please note that when things start to mess with your psyche that is your cue to tap out. There’ s nothing in this world worth losing your mind over.
When God moves the mountains in your situation praise him. Always. Forever. Even before it has been completed.
There’s no point being flaky in your prayers. Be bold and confident. Surrender it all at His feet, feel no shame and come as you are. Believe that He is the God of miracles. He is the God of 2nd chances. He is the God that when one door closes another two will open.
Believe that the God given gifts, dreams, and ideas will always come into fruition - be patient on your journey. Know that even when you think you have turned your back on the gift God will find a way to bring it back to you. You cannot run from a God given gift, dream or idea - it is embedded on your heart. You’ll only be cheating yourself out of the beautiful things God has planned for you.
Furthermore, know that if it is God ordained, it is God sustained.
In everything be bold. Don’t be afraid to ask - not of man and especially not of God.
This week God moved a mountain I’ve been trying to climb for some time. I was coming to the point where I was so conflicted. I was 100% sure that this was of God but the ways in which things weren’t working made me think that maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe I ought to give it a rest. And just when I was ready to throw in the towel He sent 2 absolute strangers to not only bless me in the exact way I needed but to remind me that I was doing what I was meant to be doing.
Pay attention - He is always moving. Even when you think He is not. Don’t second guess His word. Once all has been said and you have laid your heavy load at His feet praise Him. Give thanks. Bless His beautiful name and receive the peace of mind that is freely given to you.
Your breakthrough is loading and will be with you soon.
I figured that things don’t have to be perfect but the experience and feelings felt and expressed must be real. Be it love, fear, hurt, happiness, pain, joy, etc. You have to just go with it, understand it, and let it go. Nothing is forever, that goes for good and bad things.
So at this present moment what do I feel?
Exhausted. Excited. Happy. Tearful. Content. Hopeless. Unprepared. Proud. Expectant. Fearful. Disappointed. Ready. Unmotivated. Sad. Strong. Emotional. Empowered. Overwhelmed. Alone. Confident. Open. Impulsive. Disconnected.
At this point no emotion is stronger than the other - I feel all of the above equally and as strongly. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s a real thing.
And perhaps on those merits recognising that is the most important thing. My problem is that right now I’m not entirely sure how to move passed that and so I’m stuck in this limbo between doing what I’m supposed to do and feeling how I’m supposed to feel which is all the good airy fairy emotions against how I actually feel which is the people-don’t-want-to-hear-you-complain-about-your-so-called-hard-life stuff.
Not that life is hard right now. Just complex. Complexity is good I suppose. Well, on a normal day. But today I just want simple. Plain sailing. Low stakes. All is fair in love and war of thyself, right?