I feel like I’m having an early life crisis that I truly need to snap out of.
I feel like time is really running away from me which it is in a sense but not at the pace in which I’ve imagined it.
Every new idea creates a new timeline in my mind that adds to the timeline for every thing else and I find myself thinking “shit, maybe this isn’t possible!”
My mum puts it down to the pressure of being the youngest in almost all my friendship groups which I agree is a major factor. Not to get it twisted with being jealous or anything. More so to do with feeling the pressure to catch up.
The 2nd factor is pressure I put on myself. In all honesty I’ve been dreading my 21st for the longest time. Maybe because I feel like I’ve been living the life of an unmarried, no child having 26 year old woman way before I had even turned 20. Maybe because I feel like I have no excuse once I turn 21. I can’t claim that I’m a child anymore. Can’t claim a sense of innocence and I have no excuse not to get it right.
That of course is a lie. I have as much time as the Lord will allow and quite frankly your 20s are there for you to learn from your mistakes. But these mistakes include failure, something I try to avoid by all means necessary when maybe I should be running towards it. I’m just being stupid. I know this. I don’t want it to seem like I’m not happy neither because I am. More stressed than I’ve been in a long time but it’s for a season and one I knew I was walking into so I can only hope that God gives me the strength to overcome it.
What I’m trying to say is that growing up is hard. It’s one thing acting like a grown up (from time I was studying, working & raving at the age of 14 believe I know a thing or 2 about acting like a grown up) actually being a grown up is a whole different ball game. Something I’m not quite sure I’m ready to be yet and perhaps that’s the beauty of being in your early twenties. I just haven’t learnt that yet either.
With my birthday being about 15mins away I’m thankful for this moment.